The TechNomad Journals - Thailand, The Southern Islands

Patong Beach, Phuket - Wedenesday, January 31st 2007

Aaah, you thought this update wasn't coming - you thought: "Doug's gone. He's found some Thai masseuse nympho, moved to a deserted island to live out his days with daily massages and small Thai bananas..." but I assure you that stint only lasted for a few days in Ko Lanta. You know how I roll: I like to take my time to explore and absorb things and then gather my thoughts and unleash them on you, the unfortunate souls of my mailing list!

As usual this update will have the BRIEF version and the EXTENDED version for my more literate and curious A-team :)

Snaps:
Four new galleries have been added at:
http://snaps.projectfresh.com

BANGKOK - James (aka Maz) and O-por's wedding ceremony.
KO PHANGAN - The wedding posse traveled south for New Years to this party packed eastern island.
KO LANTA - This calm island off the south west coast was where I completed my PADI certificate.
PHUKET + ANDAMAN SEA - A five day 'live aboard' diving adventure sandwiched in between Phuket - Island of sin.

Work:
After some years of building folios for my friends and fellow creative hustlers I decided to embark on a project that would make it easy to have a clean and functional website AND make it simple to update! Hooray!

I've been working on FolioHub for the better part of 2006 is finally ready for a 'soft' release to my core posse - you! The actual site itself, foliohub.com, is not yet branded or very functional, BUT there's an example folio link and a video that walks though an example folio and it's client area - which is of course called their 'freshweb' :)

If you're interested I can easily set up a free folio and if you enjoy it you can upgrade to premium (your own domain) at any time. Or you can just keep it on FolioHub's site! I'd love some initial UI feedback too - it's a work in progress!

GRAPHIC DESIGNERS! WANT A CHANCE TO WIN $$ AND A FREE PREMIUM ACCOUNT?
I'm going to have a competition for the branding of FolioHub!
FIRST PRIZE! A free premium folio AND $$ to do the whole range of marketing materials!
RUNNERS UP! A free premium folio with domain registration AND hosting for one year!
If you're interested, email me and we can talk!

Travel:
I'm in Phuket now and on the 2nd February I'm heading back to Bangkok to meet my lovably insane Tuxedo Travels companion, Heath Buck, to be fitted for tuxedos for our rapidly approaching adventure! We launch on April 1st from Hong Kong. The site is still very basic but the full rendition is in the works and of course I'll keep you posted!

CODERS DO YOU WANT CREDIT ON TUXEDOTRAVELS.COM?
If you want to be involved in the project, we need some help! Especially with incorporating flickr/youtube/gmaps APIs!
Again, if you're interested, email me and we can talk!

From Bangkok, I'm heading north and perhaps into Laos - we'll see how things go - that's kind of the way things seems to be unfolding in 2007.

OK, that's as brief as I could be, if I still have your attention, get ready for some ridiculous stories!

Oh Thailand! It's taken me 27 years to find you - sweet land of smiling faces! For many years I sat oblivious to the paradise that awaited me 12 GMT times zones to the east, and now my life will never be the same again! There are certain points in everybody's life, vector shifts, where all you thought you knew and planned for suddenly becomes as firm as a bakers dough. So from here I embark into my post-Thailand future.

While 10 years of English boarding school certainly gave me the ability to deactivate my emotional attachment circuit, I still left LA with much reluctance after one of the best years of my life. I felt surrounded by true wealth: great friends, a growing network of talented people, inspired projects and an unparalleled output of energy from the old Edison #4 building - which seems poetically appropriate. There was a comfort there that begged me to stay but I knew in my heart I had to go. It's my strict belief that you learn the most about yourself when you remove yourself from your typical context; you're force to adapt and face new challenges, which can only result in expansion of your brains ability to control and act on it's perceptive state. Sometimes it's perplexing, other times it's surprisingly easy, sometimes it's scary but it's generally always positive - even if it makes you realize how much you miss where you came from. I'm sure I'll come back to LA but for now I feel so free that I know I made the right choice.

OK, enough with the heaviness, today began with a coffee. Now just when you think I've lost my edge, that you're in for a mundane update, I will tell you this wasn't a typical coffee, it was lukewarm, 1.3 liters and I didn't ingest it orally. That's right, at the behest of my Thai $7/hr masseuse, yoga instructor and herbal dietician, I had my first enema. The daunting package presented to me consisted of a medical looking IV drip, a bag of a coffee based powder and a small tub of vaseline. Without going into too many details I will say that the 'ingestion' took 5 minutes and I then had to lie naked on my left side, back side, and right side for five minutes each while I massaged my stomach - it's an ugly image, I know. At it's worst it felt kind of like the sharp pangs of the most explosive diarrhea you've ever had, but finally you can get up and spend about 10 minutes purging your colon of many toxins, trapped corn and a surprising amount of sesame seeds. I don't think I'll do it again for a while. The before and after photos are so new that there not even in my gallery but I had to include them.

But wait, I'm getting WAY ahead of myself. So just where the hell have I been these last 6 weeks? Well, let me start from the beginning. Some months back my old friend from school in England, James Marriott, invited a few of the 'old boys' to his wedding to the lovely O-por in Thailand. And so that was all the excuse I needed to launch this extended tour of South East Asia - so Maz, and I think I speak for all of 'the lads', much love goes out to you for getting us to Thailand...

My departure from LA was hilarious - I was in such denial that it was approaching that I didn't pack or move out of my room at the Brewery until my last day there. 'Luckily' most of my belongings had been stolen out of my car previously in 2005 while I was in China so since then I've lived a refreshingly lightweight existence; it only took a few hours to complete and I managed to get the next 8 months packed into a mid-size backpack. So I said goodbye to the Brewery and my lovely sister Sissy, like one year before, took me to the airport to begin my quest. It finally hit home that I was enroute to Asia after the plane took off and the menu appeared on the video screens of China Airlines 005: "Pork Butt with Sweet Soy Bean Sauce and Rice." It was going to be a fabulous trip.

Upon my arrival in Bangkok I got a taxi to my hotel - The Grand President (*Note, in general regal names are thrown about with reckless abandon in Asia but this hotel was actually quite nice). On the way I tried to make small talk with the driver, commenting on how pretty I thought the Thai writing was, however it seemed to get lost in translation and he then took me on a detour drive down one of the sex tourism streets. At the time I found what I saw shocking, now I think I've become slightly, hmm, numb with such things. I got to my hotel and slept for 16 hours.

When I woke up the street below was buzzing with activity; endless street food vendors, whizzing scooters (makes for fun crossings and often adopting the hurried 'safety in numbers' method) and many Nepalese forcibly saying "Tuk-Tuk" to me, which made me slightly nervous until I realized they just wanted to give me a ride in their rickety scooter/taxi contraptions. Luckily the UK posse, James Gray and Tom Stevenson, were staying nearby - just down from Nana Plaza, the epicenter of sleaze and home of good old fashioned family entertainment involving midgets and a multitude of dancing girls in Bikinis. But more on that later...

A good tip for the budget traveler is to bring your GSM cell phone (if it has a SIM card it's GSM) and as soon as you arrive you can easily buy a local prepaid SIM card and local number (even from a local 7/11) to avoid paying preposterous international rates using your home number. Of course of the 3 of us I was the only one who managed this challenging task. (How were your bills when you got home boys?)

You can eat for next to nothing from the variety of street food - most of it's BBQd so you know it's relatively safe and the excellent fruit stands have crazy-strange fruits and are always freshly cut for you. One thing to note is that when applying chili to anything, be careful to use your fingers. You can later touch your eye, or other parts of your body, and then it will start to tingle. Then it will start to burn until you have to run back into the bathroom and take off your pants, splashing your nether regions with water to quell the burn. Yes, that was a memorable moment.

The winter months are a great time to come to Thailand - it's can get unbearably hot in the middle of the year and there is a definite rainy season when many areas become much less populated. Bangkok is a pretty insane place; it experienced a huge development boom in the 90's but then funding dried up and many buildings were left uncompleted. While things are now picking back up there are still many vacant 'ghostly towers', even more surreal looking is that many have become home to the rampant stray dogs that seem very happy with this deal. This is fine for the Thai's though; most Thai's are Buddhists and believe that animals are the reincarnated souls of their ancestors who have returned to live among then. I hope when I come back I don't get the mange as badly as some of the poor bastards.

During the day, and often into the night, there are countless street markets selling everything from fake DVDs to fake designer labels. You can even find baskets of cute puppies next to vials of the much praised snake blood and certain animal's bile - obviously for virility enhancement. Prices are cheap but haggling is always necessary as the salespeople will often start with ridiculous prices. It can be fun though and should be taken lightly and at the end of the day, when you find yourself haggling over a difference of 50 cents - is it really that important? The are one million, and I don't think I'm exaggerating, tailors that come up to you and shake your hand and keep holding it tightly saying "Hey Boss, you need a suit - nice suit! Shirt?", to which I always replied "Listen man, it's hot as hell, I'm traveling for 8 months, the LAST thing I want is a suit... but thanks!". Every time I would walk by they'd ask again but I've stopped shaking hands, in fact I've developed a direct disdain for groping random peoples sweaty palms. Instead I offer the "California Fist", clean and enjoyably macho.

Night time in Bangkok is when I lost the remnants of my remaining innocence. I think again we can all thanks Maz for instructing us to stay near Sukhumvit Soi 4. We could have stayed in the charming little backpacker area known as Khao San Road on the other side of town but Maz insisted this would be in our best interest - and he's generally a solid reference (If you'd known him for the last 15 years, believe me this statement would have gotten a chuckle out of you). Once the sun goes down the area known as Nana turns into a Mecca of hedonistic pleasures. First, let me preface my upcoming 'departure from morality', by saying "things are different out here". No really Mom, they are! In fact, there's very little relating to parameters of sexual behavior in Buddhist teachings and there are definitely places that take advantage of this fact - Nana is top of the list - at least it WAS top of the list at this point in the trip.

Once you pass the occasionally rowdy christian bible bashers (always ruining the good times!), you enter Nana "Entertainment" Plaza through a neon fringed archway that leads into a mall-like structure of pure carnal mayhem. Pictures are not really allowed so I will have to be as descriptive as I can with my writing. Upon entry, I was greeted by a midget on one side, on the other by a deep voiced lady-boy (or 'Kathoey' - but more on that later) and all around us were women in open air bars. And a LOT of them. I mean far more than men and they were all gazing at us, smiling and saying excitedly "Welcome! Welcome! Come in!". I was with James and we walked around a bit nervously at first - we had a quick drink and decided to leave and come back later; we then met up with Tom and came directly back. Now all around the edge of the plaza are bars and at the back of these bars are the clubs, the girls on the outside are there to get you to come inside. Entry is always free and there is always a comfortable spot to sit at. Drinks are not expensive, maybe a $3 or $4 maximum. On the often elaborate stages is not just one or two girls but often dozens! Some bars have full nudity but in most of them the girls remain clothed - usually in Bikini's with little number badges pinned on them. And there you can sit for as along as you like or technically, as I observed from the sordid activities of other men, order a girl by telling the lady-boy madam which 'number' you desired. Then she would come down, sit with you and you could buy her drinks and try to speak some basic English - or you could just grope her. If she seems nice you can, if you are so inclined, pay the bar 300BHT ($9) and she would go put her non-slutty (or less slutty) 'home' clothes on and is then 'out of the game' - that is called the 'bar fee'. And then, as I found out from asking one old, balding farang (foreigner) in the bathroom, near the vomiting basin, you could leave and take them home for the very reasonable price of 1000-1500BHT ($30 - $40). "Now that's what I call a cheap date - and you all know what's going on!" He exclaimed brashly. "You should try going up to the third level - that's where it gets REALLY crazy." And oh yes, it did. As I said, morals seem to shift slightly in Thailand.

On the 23rd December Maz and O-por were married in at a beautiful spot just outside of the city. It was so remote that the bus driver, carrying all the guests, got lost but we managed to make it on time. Two ceremonies were held - a traditional Thai ceremony and also a western one afterwards. Maz looked like a drug baron and James and Tom carried banana stalks to be planted for the sustenance of Maz and O-por's future children. I'm not convinced that they'll grow very well in London, let alone get through customs - but lovely symbolism nonetheless. No one really knew what the hell was going on but these drummers knew how to rock the party and the whole day was very beautiful; perhaps a little odd to the westerners at times. And I'm sure the western ceremony seemed a bit odd to the Thai side but everyone had fun and the day culminated in a very drunk bus ride home.

After a few nights of heavy partying I decided to venture out of the Nana region and go on a mission to cleanse my ravaged soul. My first stop was the Jim Thompson House. Jim was a western guy who almost single handedly helped to reignite the waning Thai silk industry back in 'the day'. He had a sweet house but sadly disappeared one day on a hike in the hills of Malaysia; it happens. Many houses, like Jim's have Spirit Houses which people offer to the mischievous spirits as a means to keep them out of their own houses. In many cases the Spirit Houses are far fancier than the people's houses. After that Tom and I got ourselves nice and lost in some back alleys where we found a man who was very happy about grinding his chilli.

On my final day in Bangkok I decided to go to see the extravagant Grand Palace which involved an action packed boat ride up the Chao Praya River and some easy sightseeing. I then left and decided to get totally lost in a series of musty warehouses and narrow alleyways. Everybody was surprised to me me in there but still as usual, a smile is guaranteed a return smile - I love this culture!

The next day the core posse, Maz, James, Tom and Ryan left Bangkok to spend New Year on the rather insane eastern island of Ko Lanta.

Inter-Thailand travel is relatively easy. First of all there are a few main plane hubs and numerous local airlines to choose from that all make multiple daily trips. A typical fare from Bangkok to Phuket for example is $50 and can usually be booked almost to the last minute. This is especially useful when you're adopting the "just rolling with it" attitude. When you do need to go over land or on boats, the process is made easy by obtaining package deals. Sure you get crammed and herded like cattle and have to wear little stickers that identify your destination but you get there eventually. And so went the trip to Ko Samui, from where we would quickly bounce just north to Ko Phangan (Panyan)...

After our brief stop in Samui I was happy to walk the rickety plank to our boat for Phangan; in recent years Samui has become too packed and commercial so Phangan became the overflow island, especially for the backpacker type. Speaking of backpacks I should at this point mention that THANK GOD I bought a backpack and didn't try this trip with a suitcase - it would have been impossible.

Phangan is known as a party island and is particularly famous for the 'Full Moon Party". However there are also 'Half Moon' and 'Black Moon' parties. In fact pretty much any state the moon is in means there is partying going on on the island - especially centered around of the island's main beach Haad Rin where our boat landed. The island seemed to be almost completely populated by international party seekers, backpackers and neo-tribal citizens. There's even a trauma unit especially designed for people that 'freak out' during the moon parties.

When we arrived we rented scooters for 200BHT ($6) and all found places to stay. I found a clean little spot in the smaller town of Thong Sala for 700BHT, about 15 minutes ride west from Haad Rin, over some pretty treacherous hills. You just have to make sure you plan your petrol accordingly and not drive like an idiot (I won't mention anyt names here). The island's roads were pretty simple to navigate as there were relatively few of them, but many foreigners sported the Thai tattoo: various breaks, abrasions and general scars attained from scooter related accidents. When sand is on the road you need to be careful and go right through it, not break or swerve. I saw numerous accidents but on one day we say a guy on the road bleeding out of his ears - I drove significantly slower after that. apparently nationwide there's 6500 scooter related accidents daily. To add to this the process to get a drivers license is apparently purely a 'theory' exam :)

On the first night we all zoomed down to Haad Rin and headed to a beach bar - one of the many places you could buy a 'bucket'. Basically they pour all the contents in and throw in a bunch of ice and straws and BAM - all for less than $10! Hooray! Between being slight inebriated and realizing there's no time like the present I decided to go for a $7/hr massage and to also get my back waxed. All the massage girls thought it was very funny, I thought it was painful but HIGHLY enjoyed my new, baby-smooth back.

At this point I decided to start learning some Thai and the first thing I learnt was "Where is the toilet?" - "Horng nam yoo nai?" and boy, was I proud of myself! So later that day we decided we wanted to go see some Muay Thai (Thai boxing) so I declared that I would find the stadium by asking the locals in Thai. "Horgn nam muay Thai?" was met with odd faces, but I was relentless with numerous people: "Horgn nam muay Thai??" Eventually we were led down an alley that ended in a pretty gross toilet . It was then I realized I had been energetically asking "Toilet Thai Boxing?" I will now never forget how to ask where something is: "... yoo nai?"

When we did eventually get to the Muay Thai stadium the event was AWESOME and included a guy almost going into a coma while the crowd cheered - again, flexible morals friends. We took bets between us and Ryan made out like a bandit with the winnings of $9 - in Baht things seem like such a bigger deal (in fact 35 times as big for the US$). The stadium smelled like tiger balm, which is actually called monkey balm in Thailand and it made us all very testosteroney. I decided that I should devote one year of my life to studying the most intense forms of martial arts across 4 countries - 3 months in each. Muay Thai for sure, maybe Cambodian stick fighting - I'm open to other ideas and as usual more serious than you initially expect.

One night Ryan and I went on a mission to the other end of Haad Rin to a bar far removed from the heavy trance beats that pumped ceaselessly further up the beach. There sat Mountain Bar, a neon vision perched on the rocks. Mountain Bar is famous for it's special 'shakes' that are actually concoctions of fruit and 'nightshade', a rather poisonous plant from the Solanaceae family. After ingesting this locally growing plant you can go a few ways, introspective and analytical, extroverted and elated or a variety of other 'places'. In my case I was alone, Ryan had suddenly disappeared, and within an hour I suddenly had a bunch of very random friends. Then it got too intense and I went to the bathroom and never came back. I walked back up the beach and sat down and through about large questions for a couple of hours. Finally when I felt good to drive home I left, it was around 6am and I stopped at 7/11 because soap was on my mind. (Interesting note - there are more 7/11s in Asia than anywhere else in the world - who'd have thought?) On my way out I noticed what appeared to be a rock in the road but as I walked by it it was a MASSIVE beetle on it's back, motionless. So I touched it and it moved but couldn't right itself so I tipped it over. it then began to walk into the street and I suddenly felt a huge connection with my little beetle friend and didn't want anyone to run over him. I considered whether beetles are biters, and finally decided he was my buddy and wouldn't bite me so I picked him up - ooh! So weird, he crawled around my hand on prickly legs as I brought him over to the woods and laid him down - my night was complete.

The days before New Years were spent exploring the island and trying to get some work done in between at various internet cafe's. Most of the time this proved ver difficult as the speed is reminiscent to the modems of the 90's. We found a waterfall that wasn't really 'falling' so much, but we saw some elephants and subsequently discovered a beach called Chalok Lam on the north side of the island that was just picture perfect.

By this point I'd moved to a new bungalow for 700BHT a night right on the beach. It had an adjoining bar called Mantra Bar that pretty much became our second home; such great people in an awesomely designed and chilled setting. So it was a perfect place to start New Years Eve! All my posse went to Haad Rin ahead of me and I took it as a personal mission to get the entire bar down there so went and found a taxi on my scooter and brought it back and filled it up with random people! By the time I got to Haad Rin it was pure mayhem! There were 1000's of people and one guy was being arrested for dressing in a Borat-style banana hammock! I hope he finds this image, whoever he is - he deserves it. The entire beach was full of people and fireworks were going off everywhere! Eventually I found my posse, where else but at Mountain Bar (or maybe James found me, i forget. Either way I love you brother!) The rest of the night just got messy, for the sake of brevity:

Soon after that everyone went their separate ways and I was headed to a southern island on the west coast of Thailand called Ko Lanta...

OK - I had to go from an eastern island to the mainland and cross the mainland on a long bus journey to Krabi. So I bought some valium. It's 'over the counter' here and just 10 cents each so I'd be foolish not too - am I right? But no worries, I'm a responsible self medicator. The boat ride was surprisingly placid and we went by an amazing fishing village on stilts! However it was perhaps irresponsible to wash down some more valium with an ice-cold beer on the mainland, but suddenly I was in Krabi! I felt the urge to walk around in full SWAT for some reason and got saluted by some military men who let me into a carnival for free.

Krabi was crappy and the next day I left first thing in the morning on a boat down to Lanta. As we approached the island I realized this was going to be just the place I was looking for, for some quiet times. And I mean QUIET times. Ko Lanta is a scarcely populated island just north of the Malaysian border and is heavily Muslim - meaning they were not the party type. In fact the main port town of Saladan had no bars, only family-vide restaurants and none open past 11ish.

Ryan had arrived a few days previously and begun his PADI open water diving course. After realizing there was little to do on this island except relax and get some remote work done, I decided I would do the same as him and decided to start my classes in a couple of days. (Note - if you're thinking about learning to dive I HIGHLY recommend coming to Ko Lanta to do it - especially with Lanta Diver)

Being the determined chaps that we are, that night we went out in search to find the 'happening' spot. Two big boys on a small scooter was a funny site to our petite muslim friends but we went up and down that island searching relentlessly; but there wasn't a 'happening' place. However there were some cool little bars around and eventually we ended up at a karaoke joint where I belted out some sweet tunes and even gave some cheesy Thai pop hits a shot. Afterwards we were heading home when Ryan responsibly suggested going down a little road near a Tsunami alert sign. I was tired but submitted to his curiosity; also we were far from home and I was perched on the back of his scooter. We went off the pavement, down a bumpy track in near darkness and that's when we found a charming little village of hidden bungalows, bars and restaurants! Ryan - you're a man of great perception, and I love you for it. I immediately booked a room for the next day.

The next day I moved into Blue Sky, bungalow #3. The door opened to reveal a very basic but impeccable room. I was slightly perturbed to see no flush on the toilet.

Blue Sky was one of a few mini villages at the end of this dirt road - I moved in an had a quiet dinner while I studied my PADI book for the next day's theoretical tests. I woke up and went to Saladan to meet my Diving Instructor, a lovable and nutty Dutchman named Thjis. My fellow student, Lude, and I, took classes very seriously and were quickly upgraded to the 3 day course instead of 4. We got in the pool by that afternoon and Thjis said we'd be ready for the ocean the next day so "Get an early night - only six beers!" I went back to my quiet village by dusk and realized the mosquito net wasn't quite as effective as I had hoped. So I applied a generous layer of everyone's favorite carcinogen DEET to myself and rolled around on my bed ensuring a thick aura of an anti-mosquito cloud. While the roof was loosely thatched and I could definitely hear nesting insects, I never saw any. Also it helped that there was a "insect catching" sheet that would roll them to the edge if they DID fall from the roof. So that was reassuring.

By this point I had become know as "Ninja" in the village. For one, "Doug" is a surprisingly hard name for Thai people to say and they always think I'm saying "Duck" or "Dog", either way it's no where nearly as cool as "Ninja". Also with a straight face and ninja stance that is how I explain my black bracelets to the numerous people who ask. To add to the affect I also bought a complete muslim fishing outfit - amazingly lightweight and comfortable. And SILENTLY DEADLY!

The internet shop was on the beach and was next to the next to the bar, which was next to my bungalow which was next to the massage hut - it was an unbelievably magical and convenient time.

Even the wetsuit malfunction turned out OK, I managed to maintain my dignity by borrowing my similarly portly friend Ryan's shorts. When I got to the mainland I looked for new trunks only to discover that there was not a pair on the island that fit me, this was pretty damn humiliating but then I found the "Shopping Center Everything Shop" - a magical land of endless baskets filled anything you need. You simply go to the old lady at the front, draw a picture or make a gesture of what you're looking for and she sends her minion to lead you to the right basket; in this case, a heavy duty needle and thread. So I got them sewn up and am still rocking them to this day (more as it's my "only option" unfortunately however). Thanks for teaching me how to sew Mom, I remember the day, it was in Rome on a napkin, I think I was 12.

And now a short rant on the woes of the TechNomad:
By this point it was getting hard to stay on top of my work - and amazingly the problem was not my devotion! In fact the beauty of being 12-15 time zones ahead of your clients is that you can dive and relax all day, start work at 5pm and STILL have updates in their inbox by their 9am that same day :) The problem was that the internet was EXCRUCIATINGLY slow, due partly to being on a relatively deserted island but also because of a disruptive earthquake near Taiwan that had knocked a bunch of Asian servers offline. To add to this it was ALSO depressingly pricey. Admittedly, most people don't come on vacation and stay online for hours but this isn't a vacation dammit, this is my life! But such are the trials of an early adopter of the TM lifestyle. I STRONGLY believe (in fact I'm writing an article on this issue for a techie magazine) that more people will adopt the TechNomad way of life in the future when it's more feasible. In the meantime I'm looking at other options but there's no great solutions. Yet :)

Eventually we all graduatedwith our PADI certificates, amazingly all with the same score of 94% - without cheating! Seriously!. To celebrate on our last day, Ryan and I went on a 4 island tour via a white knuckled speedboat run by sea gypsies!

That night we had a final BBQ, watched some gecko TV (geckos on a sheet stalking insects), and the residents of Blue Sky lit a Khom Loi fire lantern for us to symbolize our departure - an amazing site to behold as it disappeared high into the sky.

The final morning we made a hasty departure, both because our taxi to the boat was late but also because Ryan had clogged the non-flush able toilet; he won't be going back to Blue Sky. So we struck a final Ninja Pose and were bound for Phuket ("Pooget" you funny people) and then up the west coast for a 5 day live aboard dive...

I wanted to stop in Ko Phi Phi, an island on the way to Phuket that is very small and has no vehicles because you can walk everywhere - unfortunately it was completely full so we went straight to Phuket. It was only a stopover for a few days before we would met back up with Maz and journey up the coast to meet up with the Andaman Sea Dragon; the boat that would be our home for the 5 days on the live aboard diving expedition.

Phuket is a chaotic island but we stayed at a more quiet beach called Kata. I spent most of the time at a internet cafe where I discovered a loophole in the way the payment system worked. Basically, you could sign in, open 10 email windows and then sign out. Then you could write the emails or prepare files for upload, then sign back in and send them all! I stretched my 2 hours into a good 8 hours every day much to the confusion of the store proprietors! On the third day I finished the last of my projects with 4 seconds remaining on my account and within 10 minutes of the shop closing. I decided to celebrate by meeting my already well drunk friends in Patong where I had not yet been. OH MY GOD, yet again, another vector shift, offsetting anything I've ever experienced prior... but more on that in a bit.

The next day we got a taxi and went a couple of hours up the west coast the Khao Lak, a small town based mainly around a diving economy. We bought some last things we needed (like a towel) and met up with our boat crew, I hadn't slept at all the night before because I was writing that last mini update on the Tuxedo Travels so by the time we got into the bus bound for the boat it was night time and I was totally out of it, as were the boys.

We got to the boat and all got on, then teh Thai crew set off the traditional fireworks from the hull which is adorned with flowers and the scared spot of the boat, dedicated to the Buddha. After some pretty half energized introductions to the crew and other divers the boat set off into the blackness.

The sleeping quarters were cramped and humid so I decided to sleep on top of the boat which was slightly damp but cooler; I determined this to be the better option. It was also radical because if you lay back and looked up, the antennas of the boat and the backdrop of the bright stars made it seem like you were in the gun turret of Star War's Millennium Falcon. Yes, Ryan and I sat there for quite a while doing horrendous Chewie impressions - hmm, the picture obviously doesn't capture the intensity of this special moment. It was also amazing to wake up to the sunrise and funny to have Arthur, our thickly accented, Austrian trip leader's voice say "OK you ready! Time for first dive!" It was 6:30am.

The itinerary started at the Surin Islands (just a few miles from the pirates of Myanmar!) and would slowly move south through the protected national park islands to the Similan Islands - considered to be one of the top 10 dive spots in the world. We were planning for 13 dives: 11 day dives and 2 night dives! We got briefed before each dive and the daily schedule was:

The dives were unbelievable from the first jump - hold your weight belt with one hand, mask and regulator with the other and take a giant stride into the water; it's one hell of a way to wake up. The water was so warm that I didn't even need to wear a wetsuit most of the time. During the day we saw octopodes (my favorite of the acceptable octopus plurals)! We disturbed the sexual encounters of both reef destroying green turtles and some very sexed up cuttlefish! We learnt how to identify a variety of fish and how to make their underwater hand gestures! We saw ugly bastard rock fish, black tip sharks, spiny lobsters, and all sorts of other crazy underwater beings. One of the most special moments for me was this observation: typically when you're on land you look up and see birds, when deep underwater (we went to the max our PADI allowed of 30m/100ft) and you looked up it looked like flocks of fish in the sky, really surreal.

Night dives! Oh my god, I think I got the most excited on the trip about the night dives. Not everyone was up for them but I was first in line to get my flashlight and jump in! It's a different world. Like an alien planet - you can see beams of fellow divers in the distance and as you descend you see sleeping fish who have no idea who the hell you are or what you're doing. You can shine your flashlight intro cracks of rocks and see thousands of ruby-red eyes of Dancing Durban Shrimp or at Featherstars - types of soft coral that magically curl up when exposed to light. Ryan and I even saw an octopus which we accidentally disturbed and it got flustered, flashed some different shades and moved to another rock, adopting a different texture and color within seconds. OK - there's no way to really effectively convey that except by showing you this video which I had seen some months ago and not believed - now I believe it. Finally and perhaps the most magical thing about night diving is that every motion you make activates a greenish phosphorescence in the water. If you flip you fins and look behind you it looks like a warping green starscape against the blackness! Finally we turned off our flashlights and just lay on our backs at the bottom for a while staring into the darkness. RE. DIC. U. LOUS experience. All in all the highlight of the trip was probably when we reached the Similan Islands and were blessed to see a huge and playful Manta Ray - probably 5 meters across who stayed with us for about 10 minutes and kept circling us!

In between dives we could snorkel, jump off the diving plank, arm-wrestle girls or take the dinghy to deserted islands. The people on the trip were all very nice and from a range of countries. We had fun conversations like if you were stranded on a dinghy could you drink saltwater through your anus. I firmly believed you could and that your colon would filter the salt out and reclaim the pure water keeping you hydrated. When asked how it could be practically done I suggested the use of taking turns helping each other out with a snorkel. Since then numerous sciencey people have told me that since the salt is dissolved, it would be absorbed also, thus defeating the purpose. I hope that none of my fellow divers one day find themselves in that position and try it; it will be both highly humiliating and massively futile.

On the last night we had a BBQ and then pitch black dives into the water! Then we fit as many people into the dinghy as possible and let the rope out. At this point, but luckily just after I put my camera back on the boat, a crazy Norwegian fellow names Sandro (second from right) suggest we try the dinghy dance. "How do you do it?" everyone asked. He said "Just trust me! Just get up and hold onto each other!" So we did and sure enough we started swaying, more and more, we held for a while then all toppled into the water, to which he blurted excitedly: "That was it! A very good dingy dance indeed! Hahaha!" (Apparently many Norwegians are completely nuts :)

The one slight downer of the trip was a 24 hour period where a virus went around. People were throwing up everywhere, diarrhea nonstop. But hey - you can't win 'em all. Some real heroes like my Dive Master Ben still went diving - he vomited three times underwater. The trick in case you're ever in that position is to vomit THROUGH the regulator and hope it's not too chunky. The flip side is that on the same dive he saw a Whale Shark - a very rare occurrence indeed. We tracked down the source for the virus to the food handler who was also a very silent man and ex Muay Thai boxer. The intensity of his eyes meant that we didn't give him too much direct blame to his face.

5 days after we left, we arrived back in Khao Lak - it seemed like it hade been aay for two weeks and we were exhausted. I had not expected to dive in Thailand at all and truthfully it's thanks to Ryan's proactive nature that I took the PADI course and also thanks to him for finding Blue Sky and also thanks to him that the Andaman trip got organized! So thanks for the energy amigo, people like you are a rarity, and diving has opened a new world to me. After saying our goodbyes we left Khao Lak the way we came and headed back towards Phuket...

We almost didn't make it. As it turned out we had been provided with an illegal taxi and were stopped by police about 30 minutes from the island - they had to call another taxi to come from Phuket to get us! Just as it arrived and we had to transfer our bags it started torrentially raining. But the real comedy occurred when the first taxi driver's wife, who'd come along for the ride, smiled and gave us their business card. It didn't even occur to her that we might not be too happy.

Being slightly OCD (I'm working on it, OK?), I typically like to arrive in places with a plan and a place to stay, especially after our first stop in Phuket when we were just "rolling with it" and arrived to fully booked hotels. That day the heroic Ryan had ventured out in the rain while I watched the bags - this time we were going to be prepared. On the ride into town we called some places and Ryan found a compelling place in Patong that amazingly had three open rooms - V-Plaza. Lonely Planet's intriguing description?

"The "V" is for Viking at this bizarre theme hotel. Bed down to rooms beneath the giant marauder's helmet and listen to the late night shenanigans of homesick Scandinavians..."

It was too odd to not check out and the reality exceeded anything any of us expected. We arrived in Patong, the sleazy armpit of the island and went down a small side street; right at the end we found our castle nestled just beyond some gnarled, hissing electrical cables - and happily walked right in.

To put Patong into context take my previous description of Nana Plaza and inject steroids directly into it's heart. One block from Valhalla (the name of the hotel section of V-Plaza) is Bangla Road. A couple of hundred meters of fake DVD and tailor stores by day and a haven of pure filth by night. All down the strip are side streets that have literally HUNDREDS of bars and thousands of girls vying for the attention of any farang. I mean seriously, some of these guys are just the most revolting people you'd ever imagine. I'm no stallion I know, but you look around and it's just pretty amazing at how low some of these girls will go. But on the other hand, these guys come from places where they've been consistantly rejected while here they can be treated like kings - is it really so sick? Or is it an obvious choice?

Besides the shear scale of the in-your-face sleaze, Patong itself often smells like vomit and/or sewers. The beaches are beautiful, clean sand, clear waters but packed with hilariously trashy people. Somehow this is a place where heaven has met hell and rather than self destruct it has prospered, with the two opposing forces reaching some sort of symbiosis. Can it stay like this forever - I think not, but for now it's a place unlike any place I've experienced before.

It's not all negative though, and I don't mean to paint it as such. When we got settled we had a couple of really fun nights , getting accustomed to the local cuisine, playing with monkeys, challenging the girls at their own games, like Nail/Hammer and Jenga! Maybe even flirting a little. We also learnt about the crazy world for the 'kathoey' or 'lady-boy'. This one in the forefront tried on numerous occasions to get me to take him/her home - is it wrong that I considered it? Again, that's morally debatable. It's a strange anomaly that Thailand is home to so many lady-boys but it seems to be a fact the the country just finds amusing - there's little social judgement on their lifestyle. Kathoey are are also referred to in Thai as "a different kind of woman" or "the third sex". It's with no surprise then that Thailand is on the cutting edge of transsexual surgery - there are various levels of Kathoey:

And so now i sit writing this at Valhalla. In Norse Mythology Valhalla is the hall for those warriors slain gloriously in battle, a place where their souls go to live a life of hedonism for eternity. The reality is not too far off and is without a doubt the most ridiculous place I've ever stayed. As we entered the gates, we came to a pool with a bar and stripper poles in the shape of a viking ship, there's a 20ft tall statue of Odin who's legs used to open up into a go-go bar but it's not longer used. The rooms are right on the edges of the lobby/bar/pool hall and the only channel the TV consistently gets is hardcore porno. And I mean, I haven't even seem some of this stuff before. The food is actually pretty good, and there are some interesting options on the menu. Oh and our rooms have strippers poles in them and there's erection pills and KY jelly in the mini bar. As 'Jan' the proprietor gruffly said when we arrived "This is not family place - only for party. In fact if you DON'T bring a girl home it's 500BHT more! Haha, Joking man!"

At this point you're either thinking "Why the HELL are you still there two weeks later, you sick son of Satan?" OR you're thinking "Amazing! Do they have monthly rates?" Hahaha! Interestingly, it's actually the exact same rent as the Brewery was if you average it out! It IS funny that I'm still here and believe me - totally unexpected. But let me tell you the secret - it's the fast AND free WIFI! The truth is I've hardly been out of this room since Ryan and Maz left around 21st. It was really my first time that I got an extended period to get introspective, incubate some ideas, catch up on some projects, edit my photos and finally write this massive missive.

They were very suspicious of me at first, as I have maps open in my room and sketches pasted around. I told them I'm a writer and that I needed to focus but it's hilarious, as I write this, a gong is being banged right outside my door and a bunch of danish guys are drunkenly singing songs from their motherland. Hell, I even banged the gong earlier this week to get on everyone's good side (hitting the gong means you buy everyone in the bar a drink). Finally they've become intrigued by my projects and bought me drinks earlier tonight - before i told them that i had one last night of work to do. I think it's hilarious that I've gotten so much done here.

I also found a massage place just across the street for $7 an hour for Thai massages. Thai massages can be like spicy food. At first it's too much, but then you want it a little more hard, a little more spicy! Then your body get addicted to releasing the endorphins and you want more! I've got bruises all up my spine and have never felt better! I've also been given a strict yoga routine and as I said have been cleaning myself, umm, internally. I finally feel like I'm more on top of my health and more on top of my work. And so the end is nigh, soon after this email is sent I'll be on the move again...

Damn, how to conclude! It's 4:20am and I've been writing straight since 2pm. My back is cramped, I have no more drinkable water and I've smoked too many cigarettes. But I have some secret grapes in the refrigerator to sustain one last push.

As I said at the beginning, you learn things about the world and yourself when you get out of your context. I'm going to break down some simple realizations to try to wrap this up and to maintain my waning sanity:

Finally, the big news is that I'll be staying in SE Asia until the Tuxedo Travels begin on April 1st. I'm going to Bangkok on the 2nd to meet my Tuxedo Travels cohort, Heath Buck to brainstorm, write some content and get fitted for tuxedos. From there i'm heading to northern Thailand and then perhaps into Laos. I've started improving my Thai with a phrasebook and yesterday got to the post office without using any English! The Thai people were shocked and loved it. Admittedly there's some serious tonal challenges - like 'mah' can mean 'horse' or 'dog' or 3 other thing depending on how you say it - but the nice thing is people are understanding, even if they don't actually understand.

My Mother, as the crazy girl often does, sent me my horoscope for 2007. It said to stay flexible and be prepared for change, hmm, I'll consider that! In the meantime i would love to hear stories from the you all, I hope 2007 is treating you like glorious Nordic warriors.

Dougie FRESH
TechNomad of the Highest Order
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Time Zone : UTC/GMT +7 hours
Longitude : 98 20 E
Latitude: 7 58 N